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1.
Mundane, but impossible Banal, and implausible You wouldn’t understand You could not possibly grasp This impossible This Impossible task This impossible This Impossible task Impossible Wanna see my face, you’ll only see a mask Vexed and encumbered An impossible task This impossible This Impossible task Impossible May not make sense You see, If I could get off the floor, that’s key Cut hair? Impossible. Check email? Impossible. Make bed? Impossible Pay bills? Impossible This impossible This Impossible task This impossible This Impossible task May not make sense You see, If I could get off the floor, that’s key Make bed? Impossible Pay bills? Impossible Buy food? Impossible Leave house? Impossible Wanna see my face, you’ll only see a mask Vexed and encumbered An impossible task Impossible
2.
I’ve got so much to handle and got so much to say I’ve got so much to do but just want to fade away All I can do sometimes is look back in shame These pathetic hustles, these insignificant days Twenty years and counting, memory fades Still screaming outside the airlock, still punching in a daze The weight of this misery, the choices I made. This life is catching up with me, the darkness invades Dark passengers They always take me for a ride Dark passengers The ones that dwell on the inside These hard times try to define me, Like a picture with no frame As Joe said: “Relentless uplift” For most of my days Like an episode of Black Mirror, this darkness has a name Following a threadbare string As I navigate the maze Like a bounced check for the soul, for suffering and pain It whispers its poison, it’s always the same. “Perhaps everyone would be better off, if I just went away.” Two words, simply stated, the words are: “Not today” Dark passengers They always take me for a ride Dark passengers The ones that dwell on the inside
3.
I can be a lot to handle I am a child of the moon It seems to come in phases In places that seem random to you. And yes it feels like a poison, and Don’t want to drive you away. I‘ve got these pills to contain it, restrain it Keep it at bay But every night, I ask myself. Without the poison... what am I? Does it hurt more than it helps? Without the poison... what am I? I’ll make it go away? Without the poison... what am I? If that means you’ll stay Without the poison... what am I? Oooh, it keeps my mind from racing From wanting to disappear But if I remove the clutter, what other Shit will I find here Sometimes it feels like a poison But also like a fire inside A fire that makes me special, Gets me attention Makes me feel alive But every night, I ask myself. Without the poison... what am I? Does it hurt more than it helps? Without the poison... what am I? Am I more myself? Without the poison... what am I? If I don’t get well? Without the poison... what am I? I can be a lot to handle I am a child of the moon And I dust off the surface, I’m nervous But It’s still something new And yes it feels like a poison This toxic brain in my head But instead of asphyxiating I’ll create with my god damn heart instead.
4.
They don’t know I’m a fake, they don’t know that I don’t belong here The whole things a mistake, If I can do it, clearly, anybody can I’ve always been faking it I get the feeling that it’s possible I always will Believe it more every day, Head down, dreading the arrival of the final bill Everything exhausts me, everything is beyond me I’m a total fraud Everything exhausts me, everything is beyond me An authentic fraud Everything exhausts me, everything is beyond me An authentic fraud Sure to be exposed... What the hell am I even doing? I wonder how many know? Gritted teeth and white knuckle My way through Justifiably paranoid Imposter complex isn’t really complex at all Not cut out for this A coalition of frauds faking our way through, Everything exhausts me, everything is beyond me I’m a total fraud Everything exhausts me, everything is beyond me An authentic fraud (I don't belong here, I don't belong here) Not good enough Not smart enough (But it’ll have to do.) (I don't belong here, I don't belong here) Not good enough Not smart enough (I guess you’ll do)
5.
Life's about time and sometimes it’s exquisite Other days are violent like my soul I'm smiling, but the darkness keeps on biting A well oiled machine that produces woe. a misery, a misery, a misery machine It's natural to ponder at your nature Who you are and what you hope to share I've grown weary of all this useless fury Me and this darkness are quite the pair a misery, a misery, a misery machine
6.
Oh! These feelings, it’s daunting I do not jest. In the gravitational field of the bipolar vortex I’ve overstayed my welcome Goodwill has begun to fade I was happy for a moment and then the moment done did fade Assess the situation Burn the past for Fuel You can’t unbreak a window, you can’t unsay words Frantic purpose and action Bound with a silent shout It’s not the manic parts You got to worry about. Sometimes lost, never found i'm a killer, i'm a clown Losing hope, losing sound Flying high, hitting ground fading away until the next wave breaks I close my eyes to stay awake. I hide away for my own sake I’m a staunch character A cautionary tale Too intense for polite company Too big to fail Difficult to imagine a new way to be When I’m full of nightmares. Self doubt and misery I close my eyes tightly, Just to stay awake I hide away, for my own sake, Sometimes lost, never found i'm a killer, i'm a clown Losing hope, losing sound Flying high, hitting ground fading away until the next wave breaks
7.
I don’t know where I’m going but I’ll let you know when I get there Nostalgia for good old days that never, were there You say: anytime assistance is needed Trenches, hospital or mall. Any call for help, anytime you’ll heed the call. And we return, and we return to: Starting Position I drown my stress in quiet, I douse my stress in noise. I know I'm smiling, but the light inside me’s dying boys. Every once in a while I stare at the mirror on the wall, I look at who I am. And it is not enough at all. 4x And we return, and we return to: Starting Position
8.
It doesn’t feel bad No really, I feel nothing Nothing to fix, nothing to see Absent of pleasure The harshest of truths Just feeling blank again Anhedonia blues Anhedonia blues Anhedonia blues Anhedonia blues Here it comes again It ain’t anything Whole lot of nothing Nothing to fix, nothing to see Absent of pleasure The harshest of truths Just feeling blank again Anhedonia blues Anhedonia blues Anhedonia blues Anhedonia blues
9.
Get Old or Die Trying. Get old or die trying Let’s get old I am still here and so are you. Most days are dark Without much point Casual cruelty and petty grift Some days can feel like a century when the darkness hits Some days can feel like the darkness Will never lift Get Old or Die Trying. Get old or die trying Let’s get old I am still here and so are you. Wish sometimes, I could flip a switch Brush the dust off without a hitch But since I can’t, I guess that I’ll persevere Outliving the bastards is such a gift
10.
The compass determines the direction The direction determines the navigation The navigation determines the travel Any corrections can be made on the way. It it too late? What will be our fate? It all rides on me. Which way to go It’s No way that I know Just can’t let down So scared of command Sick of sitting, I’ll stand This is our destination How long has it been? A confident grin Who pays attention that long? So, all eyes on me. this is happening I’m terror stricken, unprepared and bound to start choking Hold the angle, grit your teeth, confidence is key Just gotta remember that I’m my own worst enemy. There’s no one coming, I can’t believe they want my voice My voice is cracking, I wish there were a better choice Hold it together, show a brave face, keep the panic stealth Maybe I was the captain, maybe it was someone else? Maybe i was the captain Maybe it was somebody else Maybe nobody really gives a damn about how you felt Maybe i was the captain Maybe it was somebody else Maybe nobody really gives a damn about how you felt So, all eyes on me... this is happening I’m terror stricken, unprepared and bound to start choking Hold the angle, grit your teeth, confidence is key Just gotta remember that I’m my own worst enemy. There’s no one coming, I can’t believe they want my voice My voice is cracking, I wish there were a better choice Hold it together, show a brave face, keep the panic stealth Maybe I was the captain, maybe it was someone else? The compass determines the direction The direction determines the navigation The navigation determines the travel Any corrections can be made on the way. Bound by history. Not enslaved, not free So scared of Command No choice is right, no end in sight Everything’ smaller when it’s out Make the music louder, than the sadness, the doubt Do it with reckless force So come follow me, it’s not glory I seek But it may be interesting So, all eyes on me... this is happening I’m terror stricken, unprepared and bound to start choking Hold the angle, grit your teeth, confidence is key Just gotta remember that I’m my own worst enemy. There’s no one coming, I can’t believe they want my voice My voice is cracking, I wish there were a better choice Hold it together, show a brave face, keep the panic stealth Maybe I was the captain, maybe it was someone else? Maybe i was the captain Maybe it was somebody else Maybe nobody really gives a damn about how you felt Maybe i was the captain Maybe it was somebody else Maybe nobody really gives a damn about how you felt
11.
Spite House 05:11
Raise up the walls Heed the call You might find, to your surprise Hubris raised up tall A silent wail. A subtle revenge tale. You'd be surprised How much damage you can do to a mind. I build this house This is my spite house just to spite you. This is my spite house And I hope you hate it Toshi: I live... in a spite house, in my spite house I live... in a spite house, in my spite house A house to bought the eye, it’s edifice a sty, in my spite house A sight you see and seethe, a visage of teeth, in my spite house. A house to blight the eye It's edifice a sty. It is my weapon, my delivery system, and you know why. This sight you see and seethe A visage of teeth. Rest assured As long as I draw breath you will not know peace I hope you hate it This is my spite house I hope your eyes choke This is my spite house I guess I showed you I live... in a spite house, in my spite house I live... in a spite house, in my spite house A house to bought the eye, it’s edifice a sty, in my spite house A sight you see and seethe, a visage of teeth, in my spite house. I live... in a spite house, in my spite house I live... in a spite house, in my spite house I live... in a spite house, in my spite house I live... in a spite house, in my spite house Raise up the walls, heed the call. In my spite house. A silent wail, a subtle revenge tail, in my spite house. A house to bought the eye, it’s edifice a sty, in my spite house This sight you see and seethe A visage of teeth. In my spite house

about

Conan Neutron: Vocals/Guitars
Tony Ash: Bass
Dale Crover: Drums
Toshi Kasai: Production, Engineering, Guitar, Backup Vocals, Percussion
All lyrics by Conan Neutron, except for Without the Poison… What Am I? By Lindsey Charles
LCR077-1

credits

released October 16, 2020

All songs © Conan Neutron & the Secret Friends
Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-Sharealike 3.0 unported (CC BY-NC-SA3.0)
creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/

Recorded January 25th, 2019 at Sound of Sirens
Mixed at Sound of Sirens in June 2020 by Toshi Kasai
Mastered by Bob Weston in July 2020, Chicago Mastering Service

neutronfriends.bandcamp.com
www.neutronfriends.com
Thank you to: Rainer Fronz and Learning Curve Records, Erica Strout, Jonathan Brown, Joe Cannon, Nick Erickson, Chris Williams, Michael Marchant, Jason Myles, Kevin Seal, Stephanie Vogt, Lindsey Neutron
Art and layout by Michael Cobra, Cobra Creative

Rest in Power: Lauren K. Newman and Vern Rumsey
---
LET’S GET OLD!
---
National Alliance on Mental Health:
The NAMI HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 am–6 pm, ET.
1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
800-273-TALK (8255)
suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/

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Conan Neutron & The Secret Friends Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Conan Neutron, Tony Ash and Dale Crover play rock music directly to your earholes. Featuring members of Replicator, MELVINS, Trophy Wives. Coliseum, and more.

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